how i support my husband’s fatherhood journey
Everyone’s motherhood journey is different, and it bleeds into every part of your life. So many things have to change and adjust including your priorities at work, your relationships with your friends, and in so many different ways - the relationship with your partner. But one thing I never seriously considered was how I could actively leverage this new role as a mother to support my husband.
I know, moms… we do it all… but just hear me out lol…
It all seems like common sense now, but I never purposely or consciously focused on supporting my husband’s fatherhood journey. Motherhood is already hard AF and you can’t compare its effects on our bodies, the actual makeup of our brains, or its emotional toll on us with what he’s going through. And even if you do, it does not make his trauma and experiences any less significant.
Don’t get it twisted, it took me years to get this through my brain, and even longer to do something about it. But, when I did, everything changed. I quickly learned that a confident, supported, and heard husband and dad = happy daughter = very satisfied wife 😉.
Here are five ways that I’ve intentionally supported my husband in his fatherhood journey. I’m still growing, so if you have any suggestions, please let me know! And if you do some of this already, how is it working for you?
Don’t helicopter parent his parenting style.
I never walked into parenthood prepared or even remotely thinking that I knew how to raise a child. I never felt comfortable around young children, and I knew that motherhood would be a huge learning curve. But I’m also sure that I knew just as little about raising a child as my husband did when Emery was born. And even if I didn’t, I knew that he would have his own way of parenting that could be completely different from mine.
It’s taken me Emery’s entire life to figure out how to parent (And I still don’t know if I’m doing it right). But, I’m leading with understanding, grace, and love for my baby girl’s budding and animated personality and my own motherhood journey. I know that my husband is doing the same, but processing his experiences differently than I am with mine. So I consciously give him the time and space to do it - without my constant input. We always jokingly say that we have “equal ownership” over our daughter, and I whole-heartedly stand by that.
Keep a united front in front of our daughter.
Emery likes to run to mommy whenever she’s reprimanded (and vice versa), and my immediate thought is to gather the facts before I react. What I’ve been doing recently is to first ask her what daddy said. Then, I ask him in front of her and validate whatever it is that he asked of her to do or not to do - whether I agree with it or not. I trust and know that my husband is an incredible dad. She needs to know that whatever he says goes as well.
Granted, in a situation where I actually disagree with the way he handled a situation with our daughter, we talk about it privately in a judgement free space, talk it out, and come up with a solution. I always lead with good intentions and actively listen. You’ve seen our Sit Down vlogs. We do this in real life.
Model and teach her how to be his cheerleader.
Daddy is our king in our household and he should be treated as such. (Yes, we’re all royalty, but this post is specifically about daddy). Emery and I play fight about who he “belongs” to, and I teach her how to shower him with hugs and kisses whenever he looks sad, and compliment him in the most dramatic way whenever he’s looking especially handsome. I can only do this by modeling it myself. So I do it, even when his face annoys me, because we want him to know that he is loved and valued unconditionally.
Though those examples appear to be small and insignificant, it’s really about setting a precedent that everyone in our house needs to loved on and celebrated. Dad-ing is tough, even without judgment from over 90k people on social media (lol). So I’d rather Kier feel annoyed that we love up on him too much, then unappreciated because we don’t do it enough.
Give him space to regroup when he’s overwhelmed, and even when he’s not.
It goes without saying that Kier is a doting father. He shows Emery consistent love and attention, and she is straight up exhausting! But when he gives 110% to Emery, that leaves little time for me, and even less time for himself. I have to remember that he isn’t immune to being stretched too thin even if he doesn’t show it as openly as I do.
I know Kier well enough to know that all he needs to regroup is time alone, without being asked to do (or build) anything. And though quarantine and social distancing made that harder, I still find a way to make it work. Whether it’s as little as waking up a little early to let him sleep in or something bigger like taking Emery out for the day so he can have the house to himself, I make sure to give him his space to rest, chill, and regroup.
Allow him to vent.
Motherhood hit me like a ton of bricks, and postpartum depression took a huge toll on our relationship. I can go on and on about how taxing the toll is on us moms. But I soon realized that I was guilty of belittling the effect of parenthood on dads, especially those who are active. Kier recently shared how tough fatherhood hit him, and after witnessing those conversations with his dad-friends, I know a lot of fathers can relate.
His guilt and attempt to “fix” everything consumed him, and he obsessed over managing:
Our relationship.
My relationship with Emery through postpartum depression.
His relationship with Emery despite her being 100% breastfed and attached to me 24/7.
His relationship with his friends and family now that he isn’t around as often.
My relationship with his family because, honestly, they didn’t know me well enough to push in and offer us support.
His relationship with my family because they expect and trust him to take care of us.
Society’s perceived expectation and relationship with him as a black man and his work to actively dismantle stereotypes against black dads.
Even though he’s our superman, he isn’t Superman. I need him to know and trust that while he built our home and relationship to be a safe space for me, I am building for it to be the same for him.
Like I mentioned earlier, I’m still in a growing period, but this is one of the biggest lessons I’ve learned. And the biggest part in “doing the work” is sharing the tips. Work smarter, not harder.
For the entire month of July, I’ll be posting a blog post every Monday through Friday as part of Mattie’s James’ consistency challenge. I’ll be covering everything from love and relationships to motherhood, cooking, and home decor. #mjconsistencychallenge #mjconsistencypays
Thanks in advance for taking this journey with me and let’s connect soon! <3.
XO